Spring!

Spring is in the air! I love this time of year, and it's promise of new beginnings. It's amazing- a little rain, a little sun, and viola- little green grassy shoots pop out of what was rocky, dusty hillside last summer, and what was muddy muck a few weeks ago. The wildflowers are starting to bloom, and so are the trees. My allergies might start kicking up anytime, when the pollen starts joining the spring in the air, but I still can't help loving the beauty of the season. It's so full of hope, and these days we could all use a little hopefulness. The sight of a tiny dandelion that forced it's way through a crack in the pavement to spread its' leaves, open its' petals and bloom always makes me smile, because life goes on, no matter what. Those pretty and resilient little weeds remind me of what a wise woman told me years ago, during a really dark period of my life. She said, “You've got to bloom where you're planted honey.” And, she was right.

life lessons

My kids had some hard life lessons this week. Everything seems to be working out in the end, but there were some emotional roller coasters, and disappointment along the way. As a mom, it's hard to witness your little one's go through legitimate disappointment, because there isn't a lot you can do about it. Sometimes other people flake and even if you are working hard, one person can spoil a group project if they don't follow through. After a whole lot of hurt and angry feelings, it was good to see that most folks can actually be counted on, and that some will go through a whole lot of extra work to make things happen. I was feeling a little nervous for a bit though, and like the world is in big trouble if I am one of the most responsible ones in it.

I should also note that I was going to try to give up being negative for Lent, but I am not having much success at this point. In fact, the first day, I was put to the test, and failed miserably. In my defense, it is hard to remain positive when your kids are getting hurt by other people's actions. It brings out the angry mama bear in me, and anyone who knows my temper knows that it can be a bit fiery to say the least.

On top of it all, I am getting sick- sore throat, no voice, headache, nausea etc. The blessing is that I have a cozy bed, and a laptop computer, as well as plenty of hot tea, a stack of good books, and even some Seinfeld reruns to watch later. Laughter really is very good medicine, and cute kids who provide room service ROCK!

Cozy Mornings

The weather outside is frightful. We are finally getting the rain we so needed, and with it plenty of wind and cold. At least it is warm and cozy inside.

I am sitting under my comfortable covers slowly drinking a hot coffee, and being thankful for this life. While I do need to motivate myself for the day, I am pretty darn lucky to be able to lounge late, read books for hours in front of the fire, and play board games late into the night. Someone was just telling me how hard they thought it would be to homeschool, and have that responsibility. Yes, it can be a challenge at times, and is certainly a responsibility, but the thing that most people don't realize is how incredibly freeing it is for a family to march to the beat of their own drummer. Lately, our schedule has been a little fuller than I would like, but it is full of good things. They are activities we have chosen, and it's amazing how kids and adults alike are motivated when it is something they actually want to do. And, most of the time, we are all having fun and learning a ton. The kids just finished their cereal, and on today's agenda is writing a letter to the new president before we go to bowling later.

I for one am optimistic about our new president. It should be interesting to see what the kids come up with to say to him.

Doors and Windows

They say when a door shuts in your life, a window opens. Well, it seems like a door has just slammed in my face, and knocked me upside the head in the process. I guess I should not have jokingly complained about the inconvenience of working one night a week because it's come back to bite me on the rear. The childbirth classes I taught those nights are actually my favorite part of my job. They started out of a program I created to help empower women and families in the childbirth year. Many people don't realize how many choices they have in regards to their births, or their children. They don't know they can ask questions, make decisions, or trust themselves and their instincts. Originally, the project was funded through a grant, and then picked up by the public health department. Over the last five years, we've helped hundreds of families with education, encouragement and support. Last week, I learned we will be part of the budget cuts everyone is suffering from these days.

Times are hard, and lots of programs are being cut. It's hard to say that our program is more important than other programs, but I will say for sure that we do make a difference. People are more likely to make changes in their lives around the time of a babies birth. Women are more likely to quit smoking, drinking, and start eating well and getting healthy when they are having a baby. Why? Because it's not just about them anymore. It's about the baby. Even fathers and grandparents are more likely to improve their lifestyle when a new baby comes- for the baby. And when that baby starts their life in a healthier home, they are going to be a healthier person in the long run. Preventing problems is cheaper than treating them, and it starts in the home. First 5 has put out plenty of research on early brain development that backs up my maternal instinct which says bonding with babies is important.

I know I have seen the difference our program has made first hand. No, we didn't change the world, or the system, but we did support a lot of people in doing their best with their families. We've seen mothers as young as 14 decide to breastfeed even when it wasn't easy, and to continue their education. We've seen young father's make a commitment to support their child financially and emotionally. We've seen grandmother's decide they would help their grandchildren have a better life than they were able to give their children. And each one of these people matter.

I think the thing that set our program apart has been the personal touch. We connect with people and support them, not as experts talking down to them, but as peers who happen to have some expertise in the area of childbirth and breastfeeding. I am pretty confident that some of the positive changes we have seen happen have been because of a personal connection with the families. A brochure or poster or even human contact in a clinical setting just isn't the same.

So, while I'm bummed for myself, and the fact that my hours have been cut, therefore my pay will go down, and my favorite part of my job is gone, I am more concerned for the people who are having babies who are not going to make any personal connections because they are lost in a big system of impersonal agencies.

So, that's the door in my face. I am looking for the window. Perhaps it is in freeing up time to put into my children and other pursuits like writing, art, dance and music. Hopefully, the breeze will start blowing through the window soon, letting me know what direction to look into.

Home Sweet Home

I wrote this and meant to post it almost two weeks ago, but somehow I got sidetracked and completely spaced it. Oh well, better late than never I suppose...

January 22, 2009
It's good to be home
Our vacation was just the right length of time. We were still having fun, not getting sick of anyone we were visiting yet, hopefully not driving our hosts crazy yet, and just starting to miss our animals when we started home.

And it is good to be home. We've been on a bit of a whirlwind since we got back, without much actual time at home though. So to spend a day off at home today, and pretty much throw out expectations of accomplishment was nice. We really are blessed with a wonderful home- not the house itself- it's a mobile home almost as old as I am- ugly as can be on the outside, but with plenty of room inside. Actually, the outside is improving. I decided the kids and I would cover up the ugly prison gray corrugated metal siding on the back with a mural. The front of the house has a big covered porch, and the two sides have roses or other big bushes to cover up the ugly. I have tried to grow plants up that back wall, but it is full Southern exposure, and so blasted hot in the summer that everything just burns to death before it grows more than a foot tall. So, we are painting a big, eclectic mural with aliens, a bear, chickens, trees and flowers. We have no plan really. We're just painting whatever strikes our fancy as we go along. I figured that this is the perfect time in our lives to do this. Someday, if we build a new house, it probably won't be mural with kids material, but what we have now was just calling out to be beautified. What I really think makes our home wonderful is certainly not the building itself though. It's the quiet and space of being on 6 acres, the goats and chickens doing their things in the pasture, the dogs and cats who want to play or be pet, the creek flowing, the warm wood stove and all the games and musical instruments and arts and crafts and books to keep us busy.

It's finally raining, thank God. It's been unseasonably warm here, but I'd rather see the rain. 70+ degrees in January is lovely and all, especially when you think if the ice storms and 20 degree days back east, but we need this rain. The grass in my poor overgrazed pasture needs it. The creeks, rivers, and the lakes really, really, really need it. I for one, am so very, very glad to have it here.

Vacation

I do love vacation. A person can really get used to the idea of lounging on beaches and eating all day. We are in the last half of our week in Oceanside visiting family, and enjoying sunny southern California. I have been very impressed with how much the town of Oceanside has cleaned itself up since I lived in the area fifteen years ago. It used to be quite the gang banger scary town with graffiti and garbage galore. But, as happens to coastal property, rich developers stepped in and bought all the land, mowed down the cute old houses, and put in expensive condos. It's too bad there isn't some regulation protecting the historic houses (although I guess the 1950's era is not really considered historic) as they had character the new condominiums certainly lack. But, the clean beaches, and ability to walk down the street and actually make eye contact with people who aren't going to beat you up and take your money is an OK trade off for cute old houses I suppose.

Yesterday, my kids had surfing lessons with my younger brother Luke, and thought it was the coolest thing ever. They tried a bit the day before, but even though the air temperature was almost 80 degrees, the water was frigid. So, yesterday we rented them little wetsuits, which only added to the coolness factor of the experience in their eyes. They were so cute out there, and so much more comfortable that they could stay out for a really long time. Luke was a great sport, and I'm glad he made time to get in the ocean and play.

Today, we hit LegoLand. Just before I moved away from Carlsbad years ago, they put a measure on the ballot regarding rezoning to bring in LegoLand. I was so animately opposed, I mailed in my ballot against it. I recall thinking that it would ruin Carlsbad, lead to crowded overpopulation and misery. Maybe Anaheim was a nice place to live before Disneyland came too? But, the measure passed, they built it, and it didn't really ruin everything. The crowds would have come anyway. This is California after all. Now, I have kids who really want to go, and I actually think it looks pretty fun too. When Henry found out that there were people who worked there whose sole job was designing things with Legos all day- it was like he was having an epiphany. His face lit up and he said “You mean they do that for their job!?!” I think this may really open up his choice of career fields.

Belly Dancing

Three mornings in a row, I have forced myself from the comfort of my warm and cozy bed, where I could happily lounge the hours away reading. Rather than goofing off with my lap top, and say, watching old videos of Snow Miser and other television holiday specials circa late 1970's, I am using it's capabilities as a research tool. I'm learning about belly dancing online, and hopefully improving my fitness and my mood at the same time.

I tried a shimmy, a camel walk, and Egyptian arms. My hips and knees crackled, as if laughing at me, but I kept moving anyway. A few years back, when I was about 31, and was trying an adult ballet class, I asked the teacher about the popping noises from my joints. Her reply started with “As we get older...” and she lost me after that. I prefer to think of it as a lack of use, rather than an old age issue. I can work on increasing the usage of my body, but there's not a lot I can do about the fact that I'm not 21 anymore. I actually take a lot better care of my body now than I did then, that's for sure.

As with most things that involve coordination, belly dancing is not as easy as it looks, and I am not renowned for my grace. In particular, there is this element of isolating particular body parts inherent in the art of belly dance. So, you are only moving for example just your head or hips, and the rest of your body stays still. Well, it's supposed to be still anyway. I haven't quite gotten that down yet. My body tends to move as a package, flailing through wherever I go. This isolation bit is a discipline that may take me a while to master. For now, I am afraid I look roughly somewhere between someone having a seizure, and Elaine dancing at a party in one particular episode of Seinfeld.

But, I have faith. I will get better I'm sure. I may never look like the women putting out the videos, but that's OK. That isn't really what I'm shooting for. I'm having fun and learning something new, and that feels good.

Speaking of the women in the videos, I must mention that I was refreshingly pleased to see a wide variety of shapes and sizes. Fitness in general, and dancing in particular, can often be the turf of the stick figure, but there are some real women out there who can do a mean shimmy.

Happy New Year 2009

Happy New Year 2009! Well, we're already a few days into the new year, and I am just starting to think about resolutions. What do I want out of 2009? Well, I don't want to set myself up with some ridiculous goals that I will fail and feel bad about. But, there are some things I'd like to get out of this life, and since time waits for no one, I might as well start trying to get the ball rolling.

I tend to be a big idea person. It's all those annoying details that bog me down and diffuse my interest. Since I want to spend more time on my writing, I thought I'd start a blog. But, even in signing up, I am finding myself stuck on step 1- deciding on a screen name. Do I go with something cute and catchy? What if I find myself annoyed with the name in two months? Maybe I should just use my own name? But, then what if I write horribly incriminating things, and everyone will know it was me? Everyone else has cool screen names.

In the end, I realize that I am not really all that cute, catchy or cool. I am just me, so I should probably just label myself as such. Besides, another thing I'd like to work on this year, in addition to spending more time writing, is being more positive. So, I will try to force myself to refrain from being mean and complaining publicly about everyone and everything around me. This in itself is rather a challenge, as I am really quite good at complaining. Those who are closest to me are well aware that I am not always sunshine and roses. A few years ago, when I learned that my first name, Pamela, means “all honey” I laughed hysterically. I could not decide if it was hopefulness or sarcasm that would lead to naming me such a thing. More recently, I learned that my middle name, Marie, means “bitter ocean.” That makes a lot more sense. I don't really follow astrology, but I do see some coincidences with my Gemini twin split personality traits.

Anyway, I'm going to really try to focus on what's good in my world, or at least what can be done about what isn't so good. I have to complain a little you know. I'm trying to be realistic here. Hopefully the idea of primarily writing about the good news will also keep me out of hot water with my friends, family and co-workers who happen along my rants. No guarantees on that though.

OK, on to step 2. Now they want me to come up with a title, and it's probably one of those things that will be difficult to change later. Great. It's awfully early in the day to be making decisions that I have to live with. It's making me feel rather indecisive. OK, I guess it's really not that big of a deal. It's just a name for a blog. Blog, blog, blog. That's it.

I guess I'm up and running with my first attempt at 2009 resolutions- more writing and more positive thinking. Now, I'm off to you tube to search for belly dance lesson videos for the exercise portion of my healthy new year, which will of course be followed by a big, chocolate mocha.