Looking Back Before Looking Ahead

I love the start of a New Year- it's like a clean canvas ready to be painted. Most years, I'm just so ready to look ahead that I barely look back. But this year, messages to reflect on 2011 were coming at me from so many directions, I figured it must be a sign I needed to do it.

Chris Guillebeau, author of The Art of Nonconformity and travel guy extraordinaire gave me the first nudge to do an annual year end review. It's a pretty simple process- looking at what worked and what didn't in the previous year.

Jennifer Lee, of the Right Brain Business Plan and super creative lady in general came up with a cool Exploding Box Year in Review idea along with questions about what you're proud of and what you learned.

The idea that I needed to reflect and think before moving on came from other sources as well, and so, I listened. I realized that in a way, 2011 was a year of reflection. I spent some much needed time on taking care of myself, learning, thinking and growing.

Between being a full time homeschooling mom with a part time job, volunteering, trying to write and make art, running a bazillion errands and meeting so many other people's needs, it took some conscious effort to prioritize myself. But I realized that self care wasn't selfish if it prevented me from freaking out and being a mean mom, bad worker, and general flake with a negative attitude.

One thing that worked wonderfully last year was taking my 2 kids and a tent on a five week 4000 + mile road trip to explore the southwest. It was the first leg of a master plan to tackle 50 States in the next 5 Years (4 years now since 2011 is gone) and every day we found ourselves exclaiming "WOW!" over the amazingness of it all. The idea of a woman alone on the road with kids led to mixed reactions- some people were excited and encouraging of the adventure and others were simply concerned for our safety and my sanity.

Seven states and 13 National Parks later, I'll admit, we did occasionally get lost, had some minor car issues, and were snowed on and froze a few times, but we also saw incredible sights, met interesting people, and fell in love with exploring this beautiful world. If you ever have the chance to follow a dream with kids, I'd say "Go for it!"

Traveling together is something we will definitely be doing more of in 2012.

Refocusing my energy to reduce soul sucking, time wasting endeavors and to include more creative efforts also worked well. I wrote more, created more art, and earned a scholarship to the UCLA Writers Program. I found that the more I submitted my work to the world, the more success I had (I was rejected too, of course, but the successes were enough to inspire me to keep moving in that direction.)

Restructuring my living space and getting rid of literally hundreds of pounds of things I didn't really want or need was a lot of work, but feels amazing. I tossed, recycled and donated things that were cluttering my home and my life. I organized what mattered and made a space that's much more conducive to creativity and family life, which is just what an artsy homeschooling mama needs. More creative projects are on the way in 2012 for sure.

What I'm most proud of is the amazing people that my kids are. I feel both honored and blessed to have them in my life, and am so thankful for the fun times we have together.

Things that didn't work so well mostly related to being scatterbrained, procrastinating or not paying attention. I can see that focusing, prioritizing, and time management need to be on the agenda in the upcoming year, especially if I want to do amazing and creative things.

The last night of 2011, I spent celebrating with my hubby and kids. We ate black eyed peas and cornbread over a bonfire that burned old journals and papers from the past, and talked about what was to come. The kids and I wrote letters to ourselves to be opened in a year. Then they built a giant marble run using every piece in the set and featuring 4 separate drop points so we could all drop our own ball at midnight. I sat down with glue, scissors and magazines and created a collage of my reflections.

We all ate sweet things and drank bubbly things and rang in the New Year with noise and merriment. Boy Child decided to jump in the unheated pool despite the fact that it was 43 degrees outside. I've never seen that kid swim so fast in my life!

My word for 2011 was "Enjoy." I think for 2012 I'll go with "Explore"- it works for all sorts of things- travel, art, personal life and whatever else comes my way. I'm glad I took the time to look back at the lessons of the last year.  The next few days will be for looking ahead, and I'm feeling more ready than ever for dreaming and scheming to make 2012 full of amazing adventures.

Happy New Year!

Sugar...His and Hers

Isn't it amazing how differently people, even in the same family, can go about life? My kids and I have been having some great discussions about this lately. We hang out with a pretty eclectic group of families so the fact that different families have different ways is not exactly new, but the older they get, the more they notice. They have also been noticing more and more lately the differences under our roof.

I assume that if you have been with your significant other a while, you probably notice that you have some significant differences too? My Dear Husband and I were well aware that we thought differently about a lot of things from the beginning. We don't even always agree on the big stuff like politics and religion, but it was never a big deal- it was just how we are. In fact, I rarely even thought about the differences........ until we had kids. Then, our separate ways were a little more front and center.

Of course everyone has their own ways of doing things in life, and that's OK an all, but in the end, I'm usually pretty certain that my way is the right way. I often think that if people would just do things my way, life would run so much more smoothly (for me at least.)

Lest I sound unreasonable and selfish in my opinion here, I have to say that at least when it comes to my family, I put a whole lotta thought and research into my ideals, goals and decision making. It may look like I'm just winging it, but I've really put a lot of work into it. Thankfully, even if we don't agree on details, we do agree on the big picture- a healthy family that loves each other.

Still, the other day I was struck by this one little example of how we do things differently...

When buying sugar for the family, here is what I would bring home:

When Dear Husband comes home from the store with sugar, here is what he buys:

Thankfully, this is just sugar, and it's not really the end of the world if we end up consuming a bleached, processed product that was a "great value" rather than the organic and rather lovely product that I would have chosen to sweeten our lives. So, in times like these, I am learning to just let go and try to be glad that I don't have to drink black coffee. I do hope my children will end up choosing my (better) product when they are making the choice for themselves, but I also hope they will know that it's OK if not everyone makes the same choice, and that you can love a person, even if they bring home products that you would be embarrassed to have in your shopping cart.

All Kinds of Family

Like most people, I have many kinds of family in my life, and they all come with their own unique ties and connections. And as a homeschooling mom, family relationships are important to me- the good, the bad and the ugly of them.

My oldest group of family is, of course, the one that I was born into. Blood relatives are the lot of people in life you have no choice in being related to. I'm probably lucky that most of mine are people I don't mind choosing to spend time with. They are the ones who share my history, and helped make me who I am today. They have different versions of my childhood stories, and share with my children about where it is we came from. 

Some of my genetic family I didn't even meet until I was almost an adult myself. Interestingly, in some cases, we have more in common than people I have known my entire life. But, some of us are actually so radically different that I marvel at how the gene pool works. We may not all agree on politics, religion, education and other touchy subjects, but I've learned to appreciate the differences. There are certainly plenty of things to talk about and do that we can agree on when we're together rather than fighting about the things we'll never agree on.

I love that my children can know their huge extended family, and they too can wonder how on earth we can be related to all these people. We live close to a few grandparents and great grandparents, so they get that first hand dose of family history on a regular basis. Emails and letters keep them in touch with the other grandparents and aunts, uncles and cousins, and it's a great inspiration for the kids to write. It makes me laugh that when my daughter sends my father an email, she gets a reply in 20 minutes. When I send him one, it is more likely to be a month. Grandparents are like that, I guess.

I also have the group of family I married into. I don't know if people really think about the fact that they are not just marrying one person, but an entire family. Again, I'm pretty blessed. My mother in law is the opposite of the stereotype. She's about as hands on as a grandma can get, taking the kids on 8 mile bike rides, playing board games, and generally being happy to just hang out and play with them. Knowing that we are not morning people, if I have to be at an early morning meeting at work, she will drive out to our house to watch the kids so they don't have to get up early. Not only that, she also seems to leave a little spot of beauty behind in her wake whenever she has been out to out home. It might be kitchen counters or the dining room table or anyplace, but there is almost always some little space that has been cleaned and made beautiful and peaceful to look at. It's quite lovely to come home to. And if she judges my slacker style of housekeeping, she is pleasantly quiet about it, as she is about my parenting choices. I know when we decided not to send our kids to school, she was most likely a little worried, but I could tell she worked hard not to give us any grief about our choices. Now, she has seen what a great choice it has been, and seems behind it 100%.

My most precious family, of course, is the group I created when I had children. I am continually amazed at how much I love to hang out with these little people. Of course, they are the inspiration behind this life learning adventure we are on. The #1 reason I am committed to homeschooling is my family.

We are also blessed with our wonderful group of friends. They may not be related by blood, but some are like the family we got to choose for ourselves. Right before my oldest daughter was born, I was fortunate to connect with a group of other women who were also pregnant. We ran into each other after the babies were born at La Leche League meetings, and soon branched out to forming our own mom's group that met weekly for years. Although we have all made different choices educationally and otherwise for our kids, I have always valued having this group of other women around my children. I think the kids all got different things from each of the different mothers, and also gained a lot just growing up together. A few of us moved to different towns, but 12 years later, both the kids and the moms still keep in touch and get together on a regular basis. 

In the 7 years since we've lived in our current home, we've met another wonderful group of people who we treasure like family. It is one more fabulous thing about homeschooling- we get to hang out as entire families. My kids know my friends, and are in most cases friends with the kids of those friends, and vice versa. I trust my kids with their friends' parents because they are most likely friends of mine. I know they'll try to respect our parenting and lifestyle even in areas that don't match theirs, and I will do the same for them. In a time when so many families are separated for most of the day, and disconnected from each others lives, I am glad that we have this luxury of families that hang out together.

I think my kids benefit and learn from all the kinds of family in their lives. The connections and ties to these other people, by blood, by marriage, and by choice all give us different experiences, lessons, and sets of eyes to see the world through, and we gain new and different things from each of them.
Far from the isolated and anti social existence some people assume that all homeschoolers live with, our lifestyle gives us time to experience and enjoy the full range of rich relationships family has to offer.

(From an essay originally published in California Homeschooler Magazine in January 2010)

Arranged Marriage?

I've been reading quite a bit about marriage lately- the good, the bad, and the too often ugly of it. When the topic of "arranged marriage" came up, I felt like most modern western people might- that it sounds a bit archaic and unimaginable. But, come to think of it, arranged marriages have probably been the basis of the majority of marital unions throughout history. I knew that some arranged marriages are forced, like when a 12 year old is married off to some old man, which is appalling and gross, and should not be allowed anywhere in my opinion. But, I hadn't realized that in other cases, the couple actually has some input and choice in the matter- it's like a family decision. In most cases of arranged marriage, the union is really important to all the families involved, and there are whole host of implications socially, culturally, and economically that go with it.

Chitra Divakaruni's book Arranged Marriage, gives interesting insight to the importance of marriage for an Indian woman. She tells of a few unions that are happy, and of others involving violence and intimidation. I think many victims of domestic violence have difficulty leaving in any culture, but I would guess it might be even harder to stay away in a place where a woman is ostracized socially for not sticking with her husband, no matter what, and where she is not considered to have any worth or value on her own. Divakaruni may not blatantly disapprove of the custom of arranged marriage, itself but she sheds a strong light on the intense social pressure Indian woman are under to get married, and stay married. I think she acknowledges how deeply the social customs are a part of her culture, and the conflict people experience because of it. She seems mostly to disapprove of the part of her culture that gives women so little power, and so few options. As a woman, and the mother of a daughter, this makes me really count my blessings.

Anita Jain gives a very different look at the topic in her New York Magazine article “Is Arranged Marriage Really Any Worse Than Craigslist?” Jain is a well educated, unmarried Indian woman in her 30's living in New York. She tells comical tales of her parents attempts to find her a match using modern online arranged marriage websites, with her father embellishing her description and making exceptions to his religious expectations for men who make over $200,000 a year. As she has gotten older, her disdain for the matchmaking has lessened, and her willingness to go on those blind dates has increased. She says, “Undeniably, there’s a lack of mystery to Indian-style dating, because both parties are fully aware of what the endgame should be. But with that also comes a certain relief...With other forms of dating the options seem limitless...The not-knowing-where-something-is-headed can be wildly exciting. It can also be a tad soul-crushing. Just ask any single woman in New York.”

While I don't think I would want to choose my children's future spouses, I can think of certain cases where I might wish I could disqualify potential mates who have loser qualities, or give bonus points to the ones I like. I guess it's the same way I'd like to hope I can have a positive influence in any of their life choices. But that's just it, it's their life choice, and as much as it pains me, I don't get to make everyone else's choices for them. I do hope I can be a trusted guide, but they are the ones who are going to have to make the choices and live with them. Thankfully, my kids are still young, and that's all a ways off, but I know it will sneak up on me.

I can't even begin to imagine who my parents would have chosen for me to marry had they had a choice in the matter. Would I have the husband I do? I really don't know, but I do think after some of the guys I dated, my parents were happy with the one I ended up with. Somehow I don't think my parents were as impressed with long haired drummers in rock bands as I was back then. I distinctly remember one occasion when the man I later married came to pick me up on his motorcycle, and my step father said "well, at least he's a nice short haired young man."  My poor parents. Thinking back on my dating years is really not making me look forward to that stage of parenting- at all. But, instead of succumbing to the anxiety and wrinkled forehead those thoughts could give me, (and since it is too early in the day for a glass of wine) I am mentally reaffirming that my children will continue to have better logical thinking skills than I did at their age. Parents of teens will probably tell me I'm being delusional, but do you really need to burst my bubble? I am trying to use the power of positive thinking here!
In any case, in the end, any marriage, any relationship for that matter, whether arranged by outside parties or self chosen, is going to take work on all sides if it's going to have any chance at making it. Just ask anyone who's been married more than ten years.