Two Kids and a Tent

If you've been reading my blog for long, you know that I started on a big dream with my kids last year. We're on our way to exploring all 50 US states before my oldest turns 18. We don't want to do drivethroughs- we really want to check each state out, learn, get the real feel for different areas and people- the whole shebang. To add to the challenge, we weren't counting states we'd been too already. We were starting from scratch.

Last spring, we set off on our maiden voyage. I loaded up my old Volvo and took my two kids and a tent on a 5 week adventure across the South West. It was amazing. Every day was filled with "Wows."All the time together led to long conversations, countless hours of laughter and sharing of dreams. We fell in love with the world and traveling it together.

I am very stoked that I have an article published about it this month in North State Parent Magazine, and am hoping that it will inspire other families to travel, enjoy life and chase dreams with their kids. If you have a chance, please check it out and let me know what you think.

The journey isn't over for us. We did a quick jaunt up to the Pacific Northwest this spring, but still have a whole lotta traveling to do in order to see this big beautiful country of ours. Until the next leg of our journey, we'll be working on the dreaming and scheming and planning, which is pretty fun and educational in it's own right.

Does anyone else love traveling with their kids? What dreams do you chase as a family?

The Summer Bucket List

I suppose the season doesn't technically start until the solstice, but Memorial Day Weekend is the kick off to summer around here.

Every season has it's list of things we'd like to do, but summer seems to have the most free time for the most people, so dreams and ideas run a little larger. Well, you know how you often really want to do something, and before you know it it's too late? 

Enter the Summer Bucket List Challenge. It's based on the idea of really making an effort to do those things- you know- make the things you want to happen actually happen.

As a lover of lists, plans, goals and challenges (self induced ones that is... I find outside challenges frustrating, and would just as soon do without) I was super excited to come across this idea and jumped on board.

The folks at the Happy Family Movement even organized this community effort where you can sign up for free and they'll send you ideas, inspiration and nice little reminders and inspirations along the way.

So, I sat down with my family for a little brain storming session of what makes summer special to us.

We came up with all sorts of good stuff! I steered away from spendy things that might be harder to make happen, and towards things that fit my fun frugalista theme- things like sleeping under the stars, making smores, taking the dogs hiking, and making home made ice cream. (Interestingly, ice cream made an appearance in 4 different places on our list, which I consider a sign that it is something I must need in my life this summer.)

If you're anything like me and lose lists all the time, you can follow the inspiration of the Happy Family folks and string up cards with your goals. We put ours in a spot where we can see them all the time and be reminded daily of what we want to enjoy. We even found a real bucket in the garage to drop the items in as we finish them.

We're more excited than ever for summer now. How about you? What's on your summer bucket list?

Less Screen Time and More Conversations

My family sort of participated in the recent Screen Free Week. For us, it wasn't exactly screen free, but more of a consciously reduced screen week. We use the computer for school and work, and it wasn't a time we could opt out of those, but we were able to cut back on our time we spent staring at screens significantly.

We don't even really watch TV, with the exception of movies on Netflix once in a while- mostly educational stuff, with a good dose of Phinneas and Ferb thrown in because laughter makes the world a better place to live in. It wasn't terribly hard, but we took the week off of any Netflix of any sort.

OK...fine... I'll admit it... I do watch Desperate Housewives on TV, but it's one stinkin' show, one night a week and it's not even year round. I certainly don't let my kids watch it. They're thrilled that the show is coming to an end because it's the one night a week when I shoo them off to their rooms so I can have some grown up entertainment. I didn't skip it because it was in it's final episodes ever (and yes, I realize I sound rather defensive here, but a gal's gotta have something- at least this gal does.)

We did skip using the Wii all week and no DS games for Boy Child either. Facebook was generally not opened until the end of the day when all work had been completed and kids were off to bed. I did cheat a smidgen on that one, but for the most part I made huge progress in weaning myself from it for the week.

Before we started this little experiment, I imagined that we would spend all of our extra screenless time playing games, reading books and being a productive, creative and crafty family. Due to a crazy schedule full of lots of driving and state tests and working late nights, we actually didn't do a whole lot of those things that week. What we did do however, was talk...a lot, and it was awesome.

We talked while we made dinner and cleaned the kitchen, and while we got ready and folded laundry. A few times, we ended up talking for over an hour and getting so deep into the discussions that we completely ignored the baskets of clean clothes or sink full of dirty dishes we were next to.

In short, we connected as a family, which was exactly what we needed. The week has past, and I am still making an effort to stay off Facebook and be more focused in my screen time, so I can have those moments with my family. After the week was over, we've had a chance to pull out some board games, got some new books and just this morning, Girl Child and I made Shrinky Dink jewelry while Boy Child carved a bar of soap into the shape of a person. All the while, we chatted, and it was very, very good for my soul.


Next time you get a chance to turn away from all the screens in your life, don't worry if you don't have time to play a game or bake a cake or make a craft though. If you feel like you're too tired to do anything and are tempted to turn on a screen out of boredom, wait.... Just talk with your kids. It's totally worth it.

Some People Hate Children

It's one of those things you know, but probably choose not to think about. Sometimes it seems obvious by the dirty looks you get when accompanied by a tired, whining child in public, but it's not often that someone comes out and says it.

I would hope that most people actually like children, especially those who choose to have them or be around them. I think often times, the disapproving glances are by people who either haven't been around kids in a while and don't remember theirs ever acting up, or by those who just aren't enjoying whatever loud child's behavior is interrupting their day. It's not kids in general they dislike- it's public tantrums.

But, there are a few people out there who for some reason other just hate children. I know because I came across one in Seattle in a mall. I was with a friend who has a large family and I had my own 2 kids along as well. We had been dragging 7 kids around the city for hours and hours, through miles and miles of attractions, all on little food and no rest. It was hard enough on the big kids and adults, but for the little ones, it was a mammoth day.

Normally, neither my friend or I would recommend such long and hard days for kids under 5, but we only had a couple of days to visit and a lot to see. The city is easier to get around in if you just park and use public transportation and your own feet. So, coffee for me and kind words for the little ones and we barreled on through the day.

As we climbed yet another set of stairs, and made our way through a massive crowd, one of the younger kids began to whine softly. This was far from a full blown kid fit. It was more of a whimper that he was tired. His mom was packing his two younger siblings- one on the front and one on the back- in a sling. I was about to tell him that I'd give him a lift on my back as soon as we got through the mass of people when a very unpleasant young woman in her early twenties- a large woman with a crew cut and hard features who looked like she could be a bouncer at a bar- moved right past and said plainly "UGG- I hate children."

For some reason, in the moment, this made me laugh out loud. I just looked at her, shook my head and laughed. I kept moving and keeping track of the little guy in the midst of the sea of bodies until we broke into a clearing.

When I told my friend, she was mortified and offended. I was too, but I was also semi- amused that this seemingly bitter and miserable woman seemed to think it was acceptable or even cool to state her opinion. I mean, who says that kind of thing? We wondered if the woman also hated puppies.

My two semesters of psychology classes kicked in and I came up with possible theories about her aversion to young people, but none of them were nice and I'm not qualified to make them anyway. Besides, unlike some people, I try to occasionally use my filter when it comes to saying what I think.

Maybe she was just having a really bad day and didn't mean to say it so loudly, although it seemed like an almost boastful voice she was using, like hating kids was going to make her popular or something. Maybe someday she'll grow up and look back, repentant at what a mean young thing she was. I know I have a few instances I look back on and cringe myself. If she doesn't change her mind, I just hope she never has kids and keeps her toxic attitudes away from them.

Has anyone else ever run into someone who blatantly expressed their dislike for something so personal as your kids? How would you handle such a thing?

Screen Free Week

Did you realize that the average American preschooler spends 32 hours a week in front of a screen? Older kids spend even more time. That's almost a full time job!

It's officially Screen Free Week this week- April 30th to May 6th- and my family is taking part in the celebration.

Our TV probably gets a lot less use than your average American owned one, but I notice I've been relying on it more than I'd like to. If we're tired, we stare at the screen instead of reading, playing music or creating anything. Since we've had a crazy busy schedule lately, we've been tired a lot and books are sitting on the shelf unread, games are neglected and little creative work is popping up.

Facebook is it's own evil time sucker, which I'd considered giving up for Lent, but I opted for giving up bitterness instead. I think this is the time to wean myself away from the Facebook habit, and focus on things that I actually want to get done, and are probably more important than reading pointless status updates.

I think my family and I could use a little digital cleanse. 

Boy Child is not too excited, but I have a theory that attitudes change (like bad ones increase) with increase in media time. So, in the end, this detox will be good for him.

I'll still be blogging, because I consider it work, even if I make no money off it. I'm also in the midst of online writing classes in the UCLA Writing Program, so obviously I'll still be online. But, I'll be cutting out the extra- non work and non school related screen time, and so will my reluctant offspring. (I only mentioned the TV part so far, although it may extend to hand held game players as well. I just didn't want Boy Child to totally panic.)

What will we do instead? Hopefully, we'll play more games- indoor and out, read more books, and generally enjoy our animals, instruments and artsy stuff. There's lots more ideas here

Anyone else doing screen free week? I'd love to here about what your family does when the screens are off.

Ready To Fly

I was thankful for the break in the rain as I loaded my old Volvo station wagon and headed south towards the desert. My mind was heavy with questions about relationships, my job, my future. The car was packed to the roof with enough food for a small nation, and barely enough room for my two kids and a tent. 

I drove without a real agenda, with only a general idea of places we wanted to see. I had no idea where we would stay, only that we would travel along a very vague circular route through the southwest, and that we would not be coming back for more than a month. The trip was a lot like my life- without any clear plan as to where I was going. I just needed to journey in a different direction to see what was out there. So, I drove.

I drove, and drove. I drove for weeks. I can't say how many miles because the odometer in my old car had stopped working long ago. But this trip wasn't about the car, even though we lived out of it and slept in it more than once. It wasn't about counting miles either, even though we covered many thousands. This trip was about exploring and being free. Enjoying the journey was as important to the experience as any destination. We stopped for everything from Wild West theme shows to giant statues of road runners made out of garbage. I rarely drove more than a few hours in a day, and spent a few days discovering each place before moving on. As I drove, we talked. We talked about everything from the splendid sights all around to our dreams and goals for the future. No one asked "Are we there yet?" because we rarely knew where there was.

We watched the landscape constantly change, and oohed and aahed over the scenery. There was a daily chorus of "wow" from every seat as we became enamored with all that is out there. But, it wasn't all about beauty and wonder either. Navigating strange cities and countrysides, and setting up camp in a new place every few days was a lot of work. We were like pioneers, growing more competent in our skills all the time.

At night, we were at home and cozy in our tent, playing cards and reading stories aloud by lamp light and talking even more in the dark. As we laughed at silly jokes and bickered over who ate the last cookie, I was so glad to be able to spend this time with these kids.

I was asked more than once what possesses a 39 year old woman with a college education and a seemingly stable life to head into the the unknown for 5 weeks of sleeping on an air mattress. Sometimes the questioners were people who admired the spirit of adventure, and just as often, it was by someone who questioned both the sanity and the safety of a woman alone on the road with children. I never really had a clear answer for any of them. I could only say that I wanted to see the world with my kids, and hotels every night were not in the budget.

Before I set off, there was a big part of me that thought this trip would give me time to contemplate all the things in my life that were slowly sucking away at my soul. I imagined staring out at the desert, pondering life and finding direction. It turned out that it wasn't that kind of trip. 

Traveling without an itinerary does have the advantage of allowing spontaneity, but when children are involved, it requires a lot more thinking. If you are the only adult in charge, you not only have to find the way from point A to point B, but you also kind of have to make sure that they have a safe place to sleep each night and food to eat each day. It helps if that food is more than cookies and chips too, hence the overloaded Volvo. 

When you are busy packing up your nylon fabric home into your car and making choices about where to move next several times each week, the journey becomes one that is more about external exploration than internal. Children also tend to make noise, which in turn makes quiet contemplation rather difficult. But, somehow, without any conscious effort or realization, the internal work happened too. 

As I marveled at the giant 200 year old Saguaros and miles of sparkling White Sands, the seeds were being planted in my subconscious. Sitting in a 700 year old sacred Kiva at Bandelier and gazing over the marvelous Arches of rock, something sprouted in my heart. As I stared up in awe at the imposing cliffs of Zion and down in amazement at the pointed spires of Bryce Canyon, the seeds grew. By the time I watched the sun set over Death Valley, I somehow knew deep in my soul that I would be alright. We all would.

There was no logical plan or magical clear answers to any of the things I was supposed to be pondering, only a calm confidence that the same wonderful world that featured this incredible variety of magnificence, had fabulous things in store for me as well... if I would just give them the time and space to be. The rivers, the mountains, and the deserts- they all took time. No one forced the Grand Canyon or rushed the redwoods. Every place we went was different and marvelous in it's own way. They had grown, changed and evolved over time. To be honest, some of that process looked rather painful, but the results were just as they should be. The things didn't belong were eliminated, and they became their own unique wonders.

I came home not knowing exactly what my future would bring, but convinced that I needed to eliminate the things that didn't belong in my life. Change might be scary, but unlike the mountains, I don't have millions of years to grow into what I want to be. I have one short lifetime to find my unique beauty in. 

We came back feeling in love with the world. I was inspired to keep going and seeing more, traveling more with my children. We are planning to hit the road again in a few months, this time heading north. The trip that started it all also ended up inspiring me to do more things the naysayers would fret over. I cut my hours at my job and eliminated the most draining components. Of course that also eliminated a huge portion of my income, but it opened up a well of time and energy for other creative endeavors. I feel as free and endangered as the Condors nesting over the Colorado River- hatched in captivity and released into the wilds. I am spreading my wings and ready to fly. 


****This essay appeared on the Dave's Travel Corner website.

Better Than Being Bitter

In the days leading up to Ash Wednesday, I'm usually doing a good deal of pondering what I will give up between now and Easter. I'm not Catholic, but have a good childhood friend who is, and introduced me to the concept of Lent back when I was a teenager. Voluntarily giving up something for 6 weeks as a means of spiritual growth just struck with me as something I could benefit from, and I've participated in some form or another for more years than not ever since.

Most years, it's something concrete that I give up. In the past, I've gone without things like:

*coffee, (my children have requested that I not do that again- apparently, it's unpleasant for the whole family) 

*meat (It was hard when I did it for Lent, but then I saw Food Inc last summer. It grossed me out so badly that I pretty much quit eating it altogether now anyway) 

*wine (I'm at a point in life where I feel I've both earned and benefit from the occasional glass more than I would from skipping it.)

*chocolate (yeah- that was just plain painful, but I did it)

Last year, I tried giving up something that wasn't so tangible, but was real, nonetheless. I went 40 days avoiding smack talk ( aka negative commentary.) To be honest, I don't think I would have attempted the feat if I hadn't been traveling with my kids for 5 of the 6 weeks. Not  that my kids don't ever talk smack- they do on occasion, but I try to squelch it. The helpful thing was that talking smack with kids just feels ickier than a session with the ladies, so it just didn't come into play as regularly. I certainly caught myself starting in on a negative rant more than once, but having the goal and the kids constantly present kept me from going very far with it.

This year, I have another intangible, but very real goal. Lent is about stretching and this will be a stretch for sure. I'm going to try to give up all things bitter. That's right- no more bitterness from me until Easter. (not that I plan on picking it back after the holiday, but just that I need a goal marker)

Some people who know me, but don't happen to live in the same home as I do, are under the impression that I am a cheerful person. (random trivia- my first name means "all honey") I suppose my cheeriness is mostly true, but internally, I'm also housing a whole lotta acidic, vinegary thoughts, and they bubble below doing unpleasant things to my heart, my soul and my mood, not to mention giving me scowl lines between my eyebrows, which will naturally make me even more bitter in the end. (More random trivia- my middle name means "bitter ocean" which may explain this "other side" of me) 

For the record, it's not like I'm bitter about just any old thing. There are just a few certain groups, situations and people who've done some things (and continue to) which are just not OK, and really tend to make me mad as heck. Since anger is the precursor to bitter, this is where I'm trying to start. 

I know that being mad at them doesn't fix anything. I also know that focusing on how justified I am in my anger just wastes my time and sucks my energy, both of which I should be directing into more productive avenues. Plus, the people I love get the brunt of my bad moods and that's just not fair.

In preparation for how hard this will be, I decided that I will nip any stray bitter thoughts in the butt by snapping a hair tie rubber band on my wrist whenever they pop up. Realistically, I know those thoughts will, and I'm hoping I'm ready.  

I even started my better than bitter plan a day early (which is traditionally Fat Tuesday, where you can go all out with a feast before Lent. I kindly opted to spare everyone the trauma and drama of my going hog wild with any bitter gorging, airing of grievances, etc. I think I'm growing already...) 

Well...as of this morning, I already have a small red mark on my wrist from the snapping. (It's surprising how often I think potentially bitter thoughts)

Two wise woman friends have mentioned that Lent is as much about what you add in as what you take out. In that light, I'm adding in some positive thoughts, meditations and writing prompts for myself every day of the season. Today, I found this whole page of quotes on anger, and they're just thing for me to reflect on as I start off this journey. 

I'm still wondering....what about all of those other "cheerful" people out there? Are they all really a bit bitter as well, but just good at concealing it from the public eye, or are they truly a peaceful, serene and full of joy as they appear? I'd love to hear responses from both the "happy" people and those who live with people like that. As I mentioned, my family has a slightly different impression of my personality than the outside world.

So, if you happen to see me in the next few weeks with large puffy marks on my wrist, you'll know why. It's not an allergic reaction or some form of self mutilation. It's just part of my attempts at becoming a nicer person, and it's better than being bitter. Wish me luck....

A Moment To Yourself

“Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between two deep breaths.” ~Etty Hillesum

For the second time in a week, the gas light comes on in my car. I’m busy, as usual, and so I push it a little farther, run just a few more errands. But I know that I do need to stop and refill before too long, or I will be left on the side of the road. I’ve been stranded before, and have learned my lesson.

Most of us know that when our cars try to tell us they need something, we had better respond or they won’t get us to our destinations.

We usually have some respect for red warning lights on the dashboard, and at least check out the problem. Unfortunately, it’s not always so easy to see our own signals.

Our bodies and minds don’t come with bright red warning lights, but they do give us signals when they’re running low.

Some of these signals are more obvious than others. When we’re hungry, we might be able to skip a meal occasionally, relying on snacks to get us by, but we all know that at some point, we need to eat real food.

We might be able to miss a few hours of sleep as well, and make it through the next day, but we can’t simply expect our bodies to keep performing without rest.

We may be able to survive in a grumpier and lesser performing fashion when we have less than optimal amounts of food and sleep, but we all know that we can’t skip those needs altogether.

But, what about the other needs that aren’t so obvious? Everyone has probably heard about the benefits of spending some time alone just to think and to gather their own thoughts.

If you work, go to school, have a roommate, spouse or children, this time probably isn’t easy to come by. It’s probably also more important than ever.

Lately, I’ve noticed just how important this need for solitude is to me. As a writer who works at home, as well as a homeschooling mother, I am blessed with lots of time with my family. What I’m lacking severely is time to myself.

Between errands, online college classes, a part-time job, volunteering, and meeting the needs of everyone else, I often end up neglecting my own need for a moment to myself to think, breathe, read, write, draw, paint, or do anything that helps me relax.

Ironically, I often find myself wasting ridiculous amounts of time stressing out about how little time I have.

Rather than using the snippets of time I do have to myself by relaxing—which is what I should be doing—I fester about how I never have enough of these moments or a long enough stretch of time, and blah, blah blah, the complaining ensues.

The very thing that I stress about is time—not having enough of it. But then, in a total self-defeating way, I blow the limited time I did have by stewing about how imperfect it is.

I know that a bit of solitude is a beautiful thing and it works wonders for me when I let it. When I neglect that need for time alone, I find myself feeling cranky and distracted, just as though I had skipped a meal.

I know I’m not the only one who forsakes solitude in an effort to keep up with the demands of life. Running on empty seems to be a modern epidemic. The solution is as simple as realizing that self time is just as real of a need as food or sleep, and honoring that need by allowing ourselves to relax in our brief moments of solitude.

Often we’ll have to consciously carve out those moments, and they may be brief, but the rewards will be worth it. A bit of beautiful solitude rejuvenates and gives the strength needed to go back out and tackle whatever the world has in store for us.

Where will you find a moment for yourself today—and what will do with it?

(This was a piece that I recently had published as guest blog post on the Tiny Buddha site. )

Too Much TV?

I've never been a big fan of TV.

OK, that's not true. I actually grew up glued to a screen, and a ridiculous amount of my brain space is taken up by commercial jingles and sitcoms from the late 70's and early 80's. If there were ever a random trivia contest where I could win a million dollars knowing the dialogue for every Brady Bunch episode, it's quite possible that I'd be rich.

In college, I would fall asleep watching reruns of shows that were older than me, but when I eventually grew up and had kids of my own, I questioned the constant presence of television. Perhaps it was partially maternal instinct, or maybe it was an effect of granola crunching area I lived in at the time. In any case, I sensed that TV and kids weren't a good mix.

As a semi-self righteous new mom, most of what I saw on kids TV seemed relatively brainless or obnoxious, and I really had no desire to defile the brains of my offspring with such garbage. I eventually succumbed to the lure of the small bit of freedom and time that a PBS Kids show or two could buy me, but it was very, very limited. Plus, I recalled my marketing classes, and the "whine factor" that companies wanted their toys to create, so I stuck with no commercials at least.

For the most part, I've managed to be a TV snob for the last 14 years. We managed to live in a happy little box of our own with very little TV influence for a long, long time. Of course life changes, and so do things, especially things I get on a soap box about.

Lately, some of my days involve so much driving and running around that we are exhausted and brain dead when we get home. Now that winter has finally hit with a vengeance, we have times of being cooped up and feeling lazy. We have a house full of creative materials, which we use, but within a couple of hours, the inspiration or motivation runs low, and it's too cold, too rainy and overall too nasty to go outside. Then, I start thinking about the rot box.

Boy Child is always happy to turn it on, while Girl Child is more likely to be checking the handy function which will tell us exactly how much screen time we've had in a day, week or whatever, and informing me of it.

It never seems like it's been on as long as it has, which is probably how people end up watching the enormous amounts of TV you hear about in statistics. In my defense, we're nowhere near the national average, and it's usually educational-ish, so I can at least count some of it as homeschooling, but still....it's TV.

After years of (sort of smugly) saying "We don't really watch TV," I'm wondering if I can still honestly say that anymore. I don't think watching a documentary is the same as a reality show, but technically, we're still staring at a TV screen. Since the handy screen time tracking feature has shown that we do in fact, use the TV more than ever, I guess I should probably at least lose the raised nose / downward cast glances about the subject.

Parents in general, and homeschooling parents in particular seem to swing widely in opinions on TV. Is it a tool, or is it trash? How much is too much? Does it interfere with more creative endeavors? Does it increase bad attitudes and materialistic envy? What does your family do when it comes to watching? Since the box is obviously open for good in my house, I'd love to hear how other parents deal.

Unsolicited Advice

I guess everyone gets their share of unwelcome, unsolicited advice, and if you choose to do anything out of the realm of "normal," you'll probably get a lot of it.  The thing I wonder is why some people feel the need to tell other people what they are doing wrong in their lives, even when the other person didn't ask and was perfectly happy?

While shopping for  groceries recently, I ran into some people I had not seen in years and naturally, we began to catch up. Upon learning that I am still homeschooling my kids, one of them treated me to a lengthy lecture on what a bad idea she thinks it is.

It started with "You know, I don't agree with what what you're doing!" My first instinct was to laugh as I had not asked for her opinion or permission, but since I'm really working on being a nicer person, I managed to reply with something like "Oh... well we're pretty happy with it."

She went on to tell me that my children would never learn to solve problems if they didn't go to school. I tried explaining that they had opportunities to solve problems every day, like most people do, in or out of school. I tried to give examples, but she was on to telling me that without school, they wouldn't know how to deal with the real world.

I mentioned the many ways they were already involved in the "real world" with classes, friends and volunteering, and that in my experience, the "real world" of junior high is nothing like the outside real world of life. Even the world of college is not the same as high school.

She was fast on the fly with her criticisms, and barely let me get a word in our defense. In reality, no matter what I would've said, she wasn't going to listen. Her mind was made up, which is fine, but she went on and on about it. I can't figure out why she needed so badly to try to convince me that I was doing the wrong thing.

I just don't get people like that. I had absolutely no desire to get her to change her family or get her to homeschool. In fact, I wish her the best with whatever path they take. I may not think it's the right one for me, but who cares? I'm on my own path!

I tried to shift the subject, but she kept coming back.

It seems like the only thing that would have made her happy was for me to say "Why, you're right. I'm living my life in a completely wrong way and ruining my children! I'm leaving my shopping cart and running out now to go sign my kids up at school this instant!"

The thing is, she never even looked at my kids, or asked how they were doing. She totally reamed on us about what she assumed would be wrong, without even considering the evidence right in front of her face. She never considered that we were perfectly happy with our life and that it works well for us.

The whole situation  left me feeling sad, hurt and angry. Logically, these are the kinds of things you just brush off. I know I don't really need to take parenting advice from this person, especially when I'm well aware of the unpleasant details of her family dysfunctions. But, I'm not always logical, and it frustrates me to be so openly criticized, especially in front of my kids who are at an age when they notice differences and care about what others think.

Part of me wanted to go on a raging tangent about the absurdity of it, including a long list of things that were wrong with her family and how school had certainly not solved their problems. OK, part of me did mumble and grumble about it the whole way home but it didn't actually make me feel any better. Turning the ugly mirror just encouraged me in my meanness. Speaking of being mean, it's one thing I learned a lot about in school.

I finally managed to get away, but her words and attitude haunted me for quite a while. Unfortunately, I'm not the ultra forgiving and kind person I'd like to be, and situations like this really put my attempts at peaceful niceness to the test. Maybe running into people like her is a part of my zen mama training? To be honest, I felt more like pulling some kung-fu ninja moves on her for insulting my family and my kids, but I managed to be polite. Maybe it's just another way the universe is showing me the kind of person I don't want to be?

The thing is, life is full of challenges and tough decisions, and it's even harder when you're not on the mainstream path. It feels like you're being judged for your choices, and apparently, sometimes you are. I'm certainly open to wise counsel and ideas, but I'm not going to blindly follow along with the masses just because an outspoken person doesn't like that we do things differently. Thinking back on it, I'm rolling my eyes and thinking "What - Ever."

Since most people are probably trying to do what they think is best for their families, wouldn't life be a lot nicer if we could just be kind and respectful to each other? And another crazy idea- Instead of trying to fix everyone else's family, how about putting the energy into our own?

OCD Meets ADHD- My Post Holiday De-Cluttering

Every year around holidays, I start getting a mad urge to get rid of some of the excess stuff that clutters my home and life. I think this started somewhere in my first years of parenting when I realized that the holidays would mean an onslaught of plastic, noisy, blinking, flashing stuff that my beloved and well meaning relatives felt my children needed.

Of course I've tried talking to the gift bearers, assuring them of the appreciation, but noting the maxed square footage of my home and the unlikelihood that we would be adding on rooms to accommodate toys. Many responded with gifts of lessons, outings or things that took up less physical space, but still, the holidays mean stuff, and probably quite a bit of it, is coming our way.

So, I begin trying to thin the stuff before the gifts start coming in, but with the busyness of the season, I still have lots to do afterward. That's what Boxing Day is for. The holiday always lands the day after Christmas and, in case you haven't heard of it, actually has nothing to do with the sport of boxing. Although a few too many family holiday gatherings may inspire you to pull out the gloves, Boxing Day is actually a traditional European holiday where the wealthy give boxes of goodies to their servants.

I'm not in Europe, not wealthy, and don't have servants (although someday, I really hope to have a maid, but that's another story.) That's OK, because I usually turn holidays into what I want them to be anyway. Besides, I understand that these days, it's mostly just a day that banks and government offices are closed, and in Canada, it's a shopping day equivalent to Black Friday in the states. I guess the gift is that it's a paid federal holiday and you can score some bargain electronics.

In my tradition of making up my own traditions, I've make it Boxing Week for my personal use, and I use the time to box up stuff I no longer want or need and get  it out of my life one way or another. I donate the good stuff and recycle what I can. My car is loaded multiple times to go to the thrift shop (and the donations are covered so that none of my household can get nostalgic and suddenly want something that was destined to bless someone else who does not live with me.

I recycle what I can, but the rest, I toss. I've learned to let go of the idea that somebody could use a perfectly good t shirt with one small ketchup stain. I no longer hold onto it to wear while gardening as I don't want to look like a big ratty slob, even when pulling weeds. These days, if it's trash and I'm in clean up mode, it's outta here. It's the only time of year that my trash can actually goes to the curb full.

This year, my de-cluttering rampage seemed more intense than ever. I was a roaring hurricane, tearing through rooms, emptying cupboards and drawers, sorting, tossing and basically making complete disasters everywhere I went. I suppose a professional would finish one area before moving on to the next, but I am clearly not a professional. It was like OCD meets ADHD with some caffeine thrown in for good measure, and it probably frightened the children.

I had recently read some stories from one of those organizational experts which gave numerous examples of people holding onto all kinds of sentimental clutter, and when they let it go, somehow the universe opened up all these new windows of opportunity for them.

I love these kind of mystical whoo hoo ideas, and realized that I've been holding on to oodles of old journals, artwork and papers of all kinds. It's like I had a small forests worth of paper, and when I looked, I really did not care in the least about much of it.

I thought the journals might contain some profound writings I could use or pass on to my offspring, but as I waded through the pages, I realized a couple of things.

1) I seem to journal much more when angry or sad than when happy, and if anyone read these in the future, I may be taken for a miserable and bitter person.

2) I had no desire to muck through the unpleasantness and relive it for some bits of wit or wisdom here and there. Forget that. I'll just have to come up with new and better stuff.

3) I've been complaining about a lot of the same stuff for years. I need to quit wanking or do something about things that bug me or move on.

With this in mind, I hauled them out to the fire pit and burned them on New Years eve. I also got rid of tons of old art of my own. I kept the pieces I like, but there were a lot of old college art projects that I never liked in the first place, but have packed around with me for years. Now, they're ash, along with pounds of old financial papers like car loans for vehicles we no longer own, 15 year old taxes and more.

The wonderful thing is, I feel a bazillion pounds lighter. I had no idea this stuff was such a weight on me, but my shoulders lift just thinking about it being gone. I bet if I were to measure myself, I'd be standing taller.

I sure hope the mystical organizer is right and wonderful new opportunities will come my way now that the old clutter and junk is going away. In any case,  things are looking better around here and I feel free and able to focus on the days ahead.

Maintenance of this reduced clutter world, will of course be another story.

Looking Back Before Looking Ahead

I love the start of a New Year- it's like a clean canvas ready to be painted. Most years, I'm just so ready to look ahead that I barely look back. But this year, messages to reflect on 2011 were coming at me from so many directions, I figured it must be a sign I needed to do it.

Chris Guillebeau, author of The Art of Nonconformity and travel guy extraordinaire gave me the first nudge to do an annual year end review. It's a pretty simple process- looking at what worked and what didn't in the previous year.

Jennifer Lee, of the Right Brain Business Plan and super creative lady in general came up with a cool Exploding Box Year in Review idea along with questions about what you're proud of and what you learned.

The idea that I needed to reflect and think before moving on came from other sources as well, and so, I listened. I realized that in a way, 2011 was a year of reflection. I spent some much needed time on taking care of myself, learning, thinking and growing.

Between being a full time homeschooling mom with a part time job, volunteering, trying to write and make art, running a bazillion errands and meeting so many other people's needs, it took some conscious effort to prioritize myself. But I realized that self care wasn't selfish if it prevented me from freaking out and being a mean mom, bad worker, and general flake with a negative attitude.

One thing that worked wonderfully last year was taking my 2 kids and a tent on a five week 4000 + mile road trip to explore the southwest. It was the first leg of a master plan to tackle 50 States in the next 5 Years (4 years now since 2011 is gone) and every day we found ourselves exclaiming "WOW!" over the amazingness of it all. The idea of a woman alone on the road with kids led to mixed reactions- some people were excited and encouraging of the adventure and others were simply concerned for our safety and my sanity.

Seven states and 13 National Parks later, I'll admit, we did occasionally get lost, had some minor car issues, and were snowed on and froze a few times, but we also saw incredible sights, met interesting people, and fell in love with exploring this beautiful world. If you ever have the chance to follow a dream with kids, I'd say "Go for it!"

Traveling together is something we will definitely be doing more of in 2012.

Refocusing my energy to reduce soul sucking, time wasting endeavors and to include more creative efforts also worked well. I wrote more, created more art, and earned a scholarship to the UCLA Writers Program. I found that the more I submitted my work to the world, the more success I had (I was rejected too, of course, but the successes were enough to inspire me to keep moving in that direction.)

Restructuring my living space and getting rid of literally hundreds of pounds of things I didn't really want or need was a lot of work, but feels amazing. I tossed, recycled and donated things that were cluttering my home and my life. I organized what mattered and made a space that's much more conducive to creativity and family life, which is just what an artsy homeschooling mama needs. More creative projects are on the way in 2012 for sure.

What I'm most proud of is the amazing people that my kids are. I feel both honored and blessed to have them in my life, and am so thankful for the fun times we have together.

Things that didn't work so well mostly related to being scatterbrained, procrastinating or not paying attention. I can see that focusing, prioritizing, and time management need to be on the agenda in the upcoming year, especially if I want to do amazing and creative things.

The last night of 2011, I spent celebrating with my hubby and kids. We ate black eyed peas and cornbread over a bonfire that burned old journals and papers from the past, and talked about what was to come. The kids and I wrote letters to ourselves to be opened in a year. Then they built a giant marble run using every piece in the set and featuring 4 separate drop points so we could all drop our own ball at midnight. I sat down with glue, scissors and magazines and created a collage of my reflections.

We all ate sweet things and drank bubbly things and rang in the New Year with noise and merriment. Boy Child decided to jump in the unheated pool despite the fact that it was 43 degrees outside. I've never seen that kid swim so fast in my life!

My word for 2011 was "Enjoy." I think for 2012 I'll go with "Explore"- it works for all sorts of things- travel, art, personal life and whatever else comes my way. I'm glad I took the time to look back at the lessons of the last year.  The next few days will be for looking ahead, and I'm feeling more ready than ever for dreaming and scheming to make 2012 full of amazing adventures.

Happy New Year!

On Not Becoming a Grinch

Well, Christmas came and went, and it was mostly merry and bright for my family, but keeping it that way was certainly not effortless. The days leading up to major family holidays are seldom made up of greeting card moments in my house, unless the greeting card involves harried frenzies and occasional freak outs.

I'd guess most families have their share of holiday stress during what's supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. There's so much to do, such expectations. In the insanity of extra celebrations and assorted commitments other people want from you, what's actually important to you can get lost. In an already busy life, the whole season can lose its meaning.

What's with the pressure anyway? Why do parents force their screaming and terrified child to sit on Santa's lap and then pay $12.95 for a picture of it? Why do people rush around spending money they don't have just to buy some plastic junk that no one will care about or remember in 6 months? Does it really add to our joy?

I tend to sway radically from being relaxed to losing it, but this year, I made a conscious effort to avoid turning into a Grinch. Despite the fact that our local extended family requires numerous separate celebrations, at least one of which I'd end up hosting with my home in the midst of a remodel, I was determined to just focus on a happy season for my kids.

Did I mention that my Girl Child and I quit eating meat, so I had to think of a festive vegetarian dinner to satisfy 10 carnivores? And preferably one that the preparation and cleanup of which wouldn't push me over the edge? No matter, I would be cheerful for my kids.

They had saved up money to buy the biggest bag of dog food available, and wanted to collect bags of old tennis balls from the field next to the local tennis courts, all to be delivered to the dogs spending Christmas county animal shelter. It's a sad and dismal place, even for a shelter, and could use all the help it can get.

The clock began ticking. I had the food in my car for days, never managing to make it there. Part of me began to get grumpy about this extra errand which was completely out of the way when I was already running around like a chicken without a head. Then, I thought about my sweet kids, and the message I would be sending with my bad attitude.

Then, I thought about the dogs at the shelter, many of whom wouldn't make it out of there. For goodness sake, they deserved a tennis ball to chew, even if I was busy. So, I did some deep breathing and committed myself to quit the wanking about it and get down there, even if some other errand got dropped. We skipped a cookie party and made it at the very last minute, just as they were closing their gates for the holiday weekend.

Later, Boy Child and I were talking about the homeless people outside so many stores. We often have snacks in the car, and it's not unusual for my kids to give their granola bars or bananas to someone who is begging. But, while going without snacks is a giving gesture, the spirit of the season calls for more.

We began thinking about homeless children and Christmas. Being homeless at any age is sad of course, but the kid factor puts an even more tragic spin on it.

We decided to pick out some things to take to kids at the rescue mission. He was thoughtful, avoiding cheap plastic things that will only break and wind up in the trash, realizing puzzle pieces could easily be lost in transit, and that processed junk food was probably something they already had enough of. He thought noise making things might drive their already frustrated parents over the edge, so that was out too. He chose portable drawing supplies, gloves and cool beanies, lotions and soaps, bouncy balls, nuts and a little good chocolate too.

Getting things to the mission was another potential stresser. It's not on the end of town that I usually frequent, and as I mentioned, I was maxed on driving and errands. When what's meant to be a kindness turns into a nuisance, it kind of loses the point. Again, it just took some prioritizing. No one would miss one more activity I planned for our family celebration, and it left us time to drop the packages by Christmas eve.

All the baking and crafting felt mostly fun and loving. With conscious effort, so did most of the shopping. We missed gifts for a few people we didn't know we would see, but we just enjoyed the their company rather than feeling bad about it. We ended up skipping a couple of parties, and letting go of a few ideas, but were all fine with giving up some stuff to focus on the rest.

The numerous celebrations happened without the drama that extended family can sometimes bring. Certain people and situations tested my efforts, and I'll admit I slipped on more than one occasion, but I figure my best effort is all I can achieve as I'm far from perfect. I can't tell you how much deep breathing helped, but it did. When all the cooking, shopping, eating, wrapping, unwrapping and cleaning was done, I had mostly avoided becoming a Grinch.

Actually, the eating part goes on, and probably will for a bit. Thank God for stretchy yoga pants! The gifts of excess sugar do take their toll on my household, and normally sweet and rational people have been a bit more intense. Maybe I'll freeze some for later, or better yet, host a tea and pawn it off on my friends and their kids. Of course, that would require more cleaning, so I'll have to think on that.  For now,  I'm just so glad to have my peaceful home back, and hoping I can keep my inner Grinch at bay long enough to put away all these decorations.

Hoping everyone had wonderful, Grinch free holidays too!